A narrative of a day in the life of an intravenous drug addict (dedicated to someone very close):
I wake up after slumber; everything is an opportunity for
me. I go use the bathroom and then I look in the mirror. Today is another day
that I will do nothing. When I go downstairs I face my father, my aging Iranian
father and he just says hello. It’s not really morning anymore because my
sleeps don’t start until the early AM and they last until mid PM. My father’s
eyes are dark and he has lost his sparkle. I open up the bare fridge to find
something to aid my hunger but not much can satisfy me. A piece of toast with
an apple will do. I am bored and I feel like there is nothing to do anymore. My
parents tell me to get a job, they tell me I need to create a schedule, but I
don’t feel like I can do it. Actually, I don’t need it. I have to get my life
together first but I’m just not trying. My father keeps telling me he can’t do
it anymore but I am too selfish to give a damn. I have to make sure this day
goes alright so I make a few calls to my local connects. A little bit of pot
will hold me over and a handful of those pills. I can always trade someone a
few pills and get a ride to my mother’s house so today I think I will. I am
bored here and my mother and sister are much easier to be around than my
father.
It’s about 4pm and I
am at my mother’s house. My sister’s angry at me again, she overheard a
conversation between my parents about something I did wrong again, and how
badly I need to get my life together. I know she loves me but deep down I feel
this hate towards me. I sat down for dinner with the two of them; we had steak
that evening. I stared at my plate eager to fill the cravings from the
munchies. I cut it slowly and watched the blood ease its way out. The food
tasted great, but it just wasn’t cutting it for me.
After I finished eating I made my way into the bathroom. Out
came my needle and another mark is made in my arm. The rush into my veins feels
so good, it feels better than anything you can possibly imagine. And my brain
starts begins to enter overdrive... Everything is my fault, everything that has
ever happened, it’s all my fault. I burnt the house down; I destroyed
everything after the divorce. I exposed my sister to madness and devilish acts
of my peers and escapades. I stare into the mirror at myself to realize it’s 10
years later. I am almost 25 years old and every day I can’t live without the
needle. I have nothing, the devil is taking me down and I don’t care anymore.
Look at my parents! Look at their eyes, they’re bleeding, they’re losing their
light. Every bit of compassion and mercy is slipping away from everyone that
loves me. My friends aren’t my friends they are all using me. The only people
outside of my family that ever even cared about me won’t talk to me. What have
I done? A flash in my head of my entire childhood was playing like a film. I’m
pulling my hair out, I can’t even think straight. I want to go back in time, I
need to relive my entire childhood and do it all again. I want everything I had
back, I don’t want this anymore but my body says I need it. Without the
opiates, I can’t sleep at night. Without them I can’t breathe, I can’t move and
I can’t stop sweating. My heart even feels like it stops beating sometimes.
Life is too hard to face sober, I need to be numb. I just need to not face it
all anymore but I am even too scared to end my own life. Am I really addicted?
Is this addiction really a disease? I want to break these chains but my life
isn’t worth it anyways.
I survived overdose
on multiple occasions. I lived through two car accidents in which the first one
my car was totaled. I lived after falling off a three story balcony. I
recovered from three seizures and many nights of convulsions. God keeps calling
out to me but frankly I am deaf and blind. They tell me I am selfish but I
honestly just need to be high. Life is passing by me at speeds I can’t
comprehend and here I am just watching it all. This life I am leading is a mess
within a mess and this entire situation is ultimately madness. When you have
lost all hope in yourself and everyone around you has let go of all respect
towards you... When you have given your life over to the devil and let go of
your future... When you give up on everything; what is left?
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