When you realize how truly sad it is that the time was
wasted, there is a sense of anger that arises. How could something that felt so
right end up truly being so wrong? It is difficult to decipher what part is the
saddest; is it the time that was wasted or the beauty that went ugly? I can’t
even bring myself to miss you because every time I do, the memories of every
burning moment flow through my mind like a tidal wave washing away every happy
thought I ever had with you.
It is hard to believe what it all came down to. I am not
sure if it was your true colors that came out in the end, or if it was what
became of you because of me.
Did I turn you into the monster? Or was it really who you
have been all along…
If I could relive it all over again, I would have never let
it go as far as it did. I would have done it all so differently and it kills me
inside knowing I put up with it. But I sometimes think if I did it differently,
it would not have ended the way it did. Maybe I could have solved it all to
prevent the chaos we became. The toxic sickness, like two leaches just sucking
the life out of one another. Nothing
good could have come from what we had. But who is to say that it wasn’t good in
the beginning. We will never know what could have been if we did things
differently. I guess time didn’t agree with us, because it surely was not kind.
It was far from being in our favor. It did everything it could to pull us
apart. Time tried with all of its might to rip me away from your grasp until I
could not hold on any longer. The entire world was set on keeping us away from
one another and it did not give up until it had its way. It was me who walked
away in the end and I always thought it would be you. For every time you
threatened to leave, I knew one day you would. I was wrong.
You always said it was me, you always said it was my fault;
but in the end I now seem to understand it was just your way of saying you
could not handle me. You could not take it but you were too scared to walk
away. You were too afraid you would lose the happiness you thought you had with
me. But I believe it was just a false sense of peace you kept with having me to
call your own.
We started as two souls dancing together under the moonlit
sky next to the waves. We kissed beneath the shooting stars and collided into
the midnight waters. We loved in a way we could never seem to explain. But it
was who I was inside that made you become crazy. You never did like the truth
beneath my skin, because you always tried to mask it, change it, and morph it
into exactly what you wanted. I tried to be that girl; I tried to be everything
you ever wanted in a companion. I could never be just that, there was always
something more. You knew I was just a free bird trying to roam the skies with
no worry and no care. You knew I was chasing the Holy Spirit and running after
His heart. You could never take that from me and I think that is what drove you
to madness. I always knew you were bitter and cynical, I always knew you saw
nothing more to life than what was tangible. But I thought I could take that
from you. In the end we were never what we wanted. We were simply just never
meant to be.
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